I am surprised that I am still feeling the way I do right now. I have always thought that I have matured, that I have outgrown this sense of insecurity. But tonight has just proved that I merely went one big circle and now I am back at square one.

I truly detest feeling like this. I never expected this feeling to return after so many years. I find myself realizing over and over again that I am still so naive. Now is one of those moments. I thought that by coming back to KL, my problem would be solved. But my situation in KL now is no different from when I left it 3 years ago, if not even worse. Maybe I can be completely irrational and blame KL and its self centered attitudes as the source of my predicament. I now theorize that people like me can never be happy in a place like KL. But what if moving out of the city/country does not guarantee me the life that I want to live? What would become of me then?

I have to tell myself over and over that there will never be any one event in my life that can change my life totally. No such thing as, “I am finally [rich/looking good/have got a Master’s/migrated/married] now, so life’s gonna be perfect from now on”. Things will not change, because there are some things I cannot change. I cannot change people’s opinions, I can’t make them accept who I am, much less like me for being me.

Maybe the problem lies with me. My attitudes and my decisions in life. If I had a different attitude towards relating with others, would things go differently? If I was brave enough to choose another major, to leave my job, to totally start over, things would have been better? Life seems to be full of “if’s” that we’ll only find out when we are brave enough to do it. Would I be brave enough to take the leap and let go of it all, the financial and job security my current life provides me?

I am already nearing a quarter of a century in this world, and yet I am still such an idealist to accept the harsh truths of this world. And until today I still think that by leaving one place, so would my problems. When will I learn? And more importantly, how?

God,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

This must be my prayer every day until I start to change the things I can. Perhaps until I am brave enough to choose the path I want, I will never find the type friends I have been hoping for. That may be wishful thinking, because for all we know such persons only exist in movies and books. What I do know is that I do not wish to spend my weekend feeling this way ever again.

I am sure all of you guys have watched the Petronas ad above already. It features a school boy who did not draw a picture of a reunion dinner during his art class period (Reason? Watch the ad). I first came across this ad yesterday night at the tomyam restaurant I frequent. LY and I were having a quick bite before I sent LY to catch the bus back to KL. I got a bit emo after watching the whole ad (which festive season Petronas ad won’t have that effect on you?), suddenly yearning for the next bus back home. Unfortunately, I had to wait until this afternoon because I chose to work on the morning half of Chinese New Year eve.I had to do this in order to earn the whole of next week off. I was the last of non-local staff to leave this so-called ‘city’ for their respective hometowns/cities.

The feeling of working on 30th night (CNY eve) is not a good feeling AT ALL. Already there is an exceptionally low numbers of Chinese staff in my hospital, insufficient to get you into festive mood. It got worse when my other colleagues kept asking me,”You haven’t gone back yet ar? Strange, all the rest of the Chinese staff are already on leave”. Then I’ll explain to them why. With a kanasai feeling in my gut. And it was true, at work today I felt like the only non-local Chinese left in KT, let alone the hospital.

The same goes for my flight back to KL this afternoon. While there are usually quite a number of Chinese to be seen checking in at the airport, today I was the only one in the KT airport and in the KT-KL flight. Even upon arriving in KLIA and in the KLIA Transit, I could count in one hand the number of Chinese people I saw.

Don’t misunderstand my sentiments as racism. It’s not about wanting Chinese people near me.
It’s just that their absence made me wonder that by working on 30th night, did I appreciate CNY less than them? Hence am I less Chinese?

It felt like I was losing out while the other Chinese are already back home either ‘lepak’-ing or helping prepare for the big dinner. I began to question whether I should have sacrificed my long break instead of sacrificing half of my 30th night.

And so I have decided to make the most out of my long break here in KL. Made sure that my 10 days back here would more than make up for a largely missed 30th night. After the CNY din is over, it’s gonna be all about movies, shops, food and hopefully some artsy fartsy event. Earlier, I was flipping through magazines and drifted through blogs to look for a nice place for a get-together lunch this weekend. I ended up discovering a myriad of KL food, fashion and art scene through these trusty magazines and blogs. How much I have been missing out on. I always fail to realise how much I miss KL until I return here.
I need to get my transfer back, no matter what.
I must, I must, I must, I must, I must.

But for now, I am just glad I have a home to return to celebrate 30th night. Hope you are too. GXFC, people!

Footnote: Check out how this moving ad came about

Yesterday night over dinner, the few of us ex Glaswegians (if we can call ourselves that) suddenly got to talking about our time back in the ‘dear green place’ . We recollected various memories about our significant 12 months over in that place; the discussion started with the food (obviously), then proceeded to the places, the weather and gruesome exams, with random events that defined the year peppered in between. We noticed how the memories circa 2005-2006 were fast evaporating from our minds, as we struggled to recall street and food names.

Later that night, I decided to join my uni’s alumni group on Facebook, with which had a group called “I miss Glasgow” at its related group. The name of the group was downright cheesy and a little pathetic if I may add, but I clicked on it nonetheless.
Its description had a checklist of things you’d probably have done as an honourary Glaswegian of a semester or two. To those who were there, exactly how Glaswegian are you?
Which ones can you check off the list? Or would like to add?

The ones in bold are the ones I checked

• You know who N.E.D.s are (Lacoste! Fred Perry!)
• You know all about Posh & Becks, Jordan and other UK celebs from the tabloids (Dont care for celebs)
• Knife stabbings are normal in the news
• You stopped using an umbrella because it was ALWAYS raining
• You ate an entire pack of Digestives in one sitting
(I miss chocolate hobnobs)
• You knew who Snow Patrol, James Blunt and the Streets were WAY before all your friends back home did
• You know the proper way to pronounce the “Garage”
• You use the words “cheers” “hiya” “lift” and “queue”
• OK, Hello and Heat became substitutes for the American television you left behind
• You know what kind of music Orson plays
• You chatted with Dawn and Gary at the cart at 4 a.m. (wtf?)
• -You ate chips on the street in the middle of the night (I really miss this)
• You had to walk down a huge hill to get to a computer with internet (N/A not applicable)
• You had to walk up a huge hill to get home (it’s only bad when you’re tired or with groceries)
• You partied at the QM and the GU (We only went to the Student Union and b-lo)
• Your clothes smelled like smoke after using the dryers (This never happened fortunately!)
• You know what “Cheesy Pop” is ( I know it’s stuff I never want to dance to ever again)
• You studied in Offshore (N/A)
• You watched football in a pub (Hmm, we never did this)
• You rode the orange subway in a circle all over the city from Buchanan to West End (for Malaysian food!)
• You tried to play beer pong without Solo cups (wtf?)
• You drank Strongbow, Guinness and almighty Irn Bru (No one forgets IrnBru and its horrible colour!)
• You went grocery shopping at a Shell station (N/A)
• You ate cheap sandwiches from Gregg’s
• You rode the creepy Prestwick bus at 1:00 a.m. (We took trains, tqvm.)
• You checked the pound exchange rates daily (Amen to that.)
• You were scared to run under the river Kelvin bridge
• You had random/memorable coversations in black taxis
• You drank whiskey and ate haggis on Burn’s night (Wish I did)
• You got used to seeing bagpipers downtown
• You danced to the Baywatch theme song (Ew cheesy pop)
• You watched Big Brother, hated Nikki and loved Pete
• You knew not to walk though the park at night
• You’ve tripped on Sauchiehall street at some point
• You played in the snow after Glasgow’s huge storm
• You milked the Scottish education system for all it’s worth (Untrue. We paid through our noses for it.)

  If I may also add:
  

• You bought reduced price food for 16p in Co-op.
• You never bought a single issue of The Big Issue from the homeless fellas outside Tesco.
• You bought an instant barbecue set when the sun came out in May
• You got used to the drunkards singing outside your room at 4am on a weekday.

And despite all the little things, you LOVED IT and you’d go back in a heartbeat

And so concluded a great few days when I sluggishly got back to work today.
Fantastic Weekend of January started when my two former housemates headed eastbound to visit us poor souls still stranded in Terengganu. Arriving on a Thursday morning, these dudes spent the day visiting old colleagues around the hospital. It was great that we all got to meet up at our favourite restaurant for lunch, it was just like the old days. It has been some time since we ever had more than five people seated at a restaurant, so that was cool.

Later that night, we decided to have dinner in this local hotel that had a sushi/Japanese menu. We got to meet Alvin’s new (female) housemate, which was cool. And she brought her sister along, which was also cool. And they were cool people, which only made things, erm, cooler.

It was a pity though, that my present housemate J had to leave for KL that night to help with spring cleaning.Spring cleaning my ass la, J. So we took the photo below for remembrance…which was not that cool.

To retain our ‘professional’ image (to save face la), I have decided to do a bit of editing to the aforementioned photo.

So the next day in our favourite breakfast spot, Paung & Co., I was complaining about how after breakfast we would routinely go back to our respective houses to sleep off the heavy breakfast, then wake up in time for afternoon tea at a keropok lekor stall. To all those who have not lived in Kuala Terengganu who’s reading this: Yes, we know we live utterly boring lives here. That’s like our ONLY activity on weekends. I kept pestering for us to actually DO something, so my proposal to hop over to Pulau Kapas was approved, albeit not on a unanimous vote. Ms Utt was objecting to us engaging in any activity that involved ‘crossing water’, saying that it was bad feng shui for someone of her horoscope sign to do so. Her objections also got a few of us wavering towards cancelling the trip.
Fortunately, there was no stopping the majority, and ultimately all were coaxed into getting on that speedboat to Pulau Kapas….which was cool.

The weather was hot and sunny even though the monsoon season was still at its final legs. The sea was calm, which was cool. When we got there, some of us were astounded by the fact that even though we were at the jetty (assumed to be filthy), the water was so clear that we could see the fishies swimming in the area. THAT was cool.
Then it struck us how unprepared for the trip all of us were. If we knew better, we’d have gone there early equipped with snorkelling gear, bathing suits and packed lunches; all of which we lacked. It’s cool, we’ll come again another time, someone said.

Anyway the island was way cool because we were practically the only tourists on the island (save for four Korean businessmen in formalwear)! It was great that we didn’t have to fight for space with anyone, we could take the craziest photos without worrying about having some stranger walk in front of the camera.

Hel-lo…. Pulau Kapas!

Some fler got so excited seeing the place that he started doing cartwheels. Blimey!
He wasn’t the only one who went ecstatic…

Our official photographer, he even looks the part. Check out the calm, azure blue sea behind him. On the count of three, everybody say, “Whoa…” (at the sea, not at him, you pervert)

The planned album cover for the debut album of our band, The Farmer’s Cysts. Cool, eh?

Enough of my BS. Here’s some pics of how the place really looks like.

Best place to be for some solitude, provided you’re there at the right time.

And the sea was glittering man…

Soon it was time for the boat back to Marang and back to Kuala Terengganu just in time for our scheduled Keropok Lekor tea time.

Thanks guys and girls for being great company, it’s been a while since we had so much fun with so many of us together. Thanks to you two from up north for getting on a 9-hour bus ride to see us. Thanks to the two lengluis for driving us there with their new cars.
For the last time now, everybody say, “Cooool-ness!”

Phew. I thought I suffocated from all the cobwebs surrounding this blog. *coughs*

Anyway, I know I haven’t been blogging lately.
Maybe it’s because
a) I have lost the spirit to blog eversince being a member of the workforce
b)There isn’t really anything happening to my personal life
c)Nothing interesting happens where I stay
d)I can’t blog about politics.

Sometimes it seems that when you start working, it seems trivial to continue blogging anymore. I know how untrue that is, considering most of the bloggers out there also work. But my case is different since I blog about such trivial things like trends and music. Friends may come up to me and wonder aloud, “Shouldn’t you be spending your time earning your first million now?” Sheesh.

One year on as a working professional has made me realise how so many of us lose our groove when we start working. Evidently for some engulfed in their work, there isn’t any time to even think about leisure. I see how so many people of the workforce lead such generic lives (especially those in KL), that it’s rather pathetic. Don’t trust me? Try going to Mambo Jambo on Wednesday in Zouk. All look same.
Who can blame them right? It’s not as if they’ve got jobs where they can leave at 5.30pm and thus have ample time to pursue more pleasurable activities.

Me, I spend my evenings in front of my trusty notebook. With literally nothing to do in this rustic little town, I try and engulf myself in whatever snippets of culture I get on the internet. The internet is my best friend as they point to the right directions for must-see movies, must-listen bands and must-wear clothing items. And yet again I can hear my detractors asking if I am satisfied returning from work at 5pm. (Yes I am, thank you.)

Meanwhile, I have also been following Malaysian news from non-mainstream websites.
(Who reads “Si Bintang” anymore, right?)
I tend to keep that to the bare minimum, as the headlines alone are enough to anger me. I have to make sure I don’t get hypertension by the time I am 40.
These few days, I have been reading more of what has been posted on the net. Granted, so much is happening around the country lately that if you are not aware of it, you ARE some ignorant fool who only reads “Si Bintang”.
Most of all these news only gets me disgusted, confused and most of all disappointed. Some times I feel compelled to blog about it, but I know others would do a better job at it. Furthermore, I am not allowed to.

So, enjoy this music video! I hope you like it, I think it’s very unique
Title: “End of Summer”
Singer: Moriyama Naotaro

You know that radio ad that’s aired on Hitz.fm that goes:

Son: Dad, what’s a “ha-ri-mau“?
Dad: That’s the day when you want a lot of things.

to this:

From what has been reported, it seems that the trustees of this mansion had decided to have it taken down after having been told that it is structurally unsound, and have hinted that it is economically imprudent to self-finance its restoration. This has sparked a fight by the gatekeepers of everything Malaysian, the Badan Warisan Malaysia. A glimmer of hope arrived in the form of the National Heritage Act, which aimed to gazette and protect anything of cultural significance to the country. Looking at the remains of the this mansion, it seems like the Bok House is not considered as one.

To know more about that eventful demolition of the 87 year old mansion that signified a battle lost by Badan Warisan Malaysia, read their side of the story here. The trustee of the Bok House has also written to The Star in response to this fiasco some time ago, read it here.

While it may seem unfair for the owner of such heritage buildings to bear the costs of its restoration and maintenance, it seems like the country has not decided on how it wants to manage these buildings. Is the country willing to see its heritage being sold in the name of development? Or is it willing to fork out the money for the future generations to appreciate? On top of that many of such buildings, including the former Bok House are located in prime areas. Just look at the fate that befell the former Bukit Bintang Girls School.

So, visit Pulau Redang while you still can. Multiple storey apartments may invade it anytime. Worse, the island could be declared duty free (!). Take your kids for a stroll down Jonker Street or Chinatown, as if it’s not all homogenized and generic already right now. Visit in anywhere that’s over a hundred years old. Eat in your favourite wantan mee stall in Pudu or buy from your magazine establishment in Lebuh Ampang while you still can, especially those that have been around for over 50 years. Time may lead them to either commercialise and succeed, or move out and wither. Not many of us are moneyed or powered to stop the tide of progress.

Each time I think about such things, I cannot stop myself from comparing it with what I saw in London, or even Glasgow, where so many of their old buildings are still kept intact. There is no need for me to say why this is so, as that is just stating the obvious. But why am I comparing ourselves with one of the richest nations in the world? We ARE, after all,

“better than Ghana”

Tomorrow I will be leaving for Kuala Terengganu to begin my 1 year training for my job. My feelings have been a rollercoaster. It climbs up slowly whenever I think that being there would be alright, that I’d have the experience of living in a culture fairly different from what I am used to here in Kuala Lumpur. Also when I think I’d have a chance of being transferred to Kuala Lumpur, or at the thought of being able to live out of home again. Then the rollercoaster ride goes down, this time at accelerating speeds for god knows how long. Today, being my last day in KL, is one of those days. What more, my formal appeal for a transfer back to Kuala Lumpur has been rejected today.

Today is one of those days where I’d wish to turn back time to a year back. Again, I wish I had escaped to another country, as a university student, back to my comfort zone, with my friends as my safety net.

But tomorrow may be the first day of the rest of my life, just like a cheesy line of a B-grade Hollywood movie. To think that so many of my friends got to work where they wanted, either at first attempt or after an appeal, and me being so firmly placed into Kuala Terengganu; I wonder if fate played a part in this. But it is not for me to know that, or to know what is in store for me there. All I know is it will be a test for me, a spoilt urbanite, to live in a culturally different environment for a year (or four). I guess my ability to adapt will be the litmus test of whether I really am an adult. For I presume that life would be full of such changes, and I guess for me, the only difference is that I am getting some sort of a headstart before the others.

I can’t think of much else to write, for this is all that is on my mind right now. Till next time, where I would be writing from KT.

And so it has been 6 weeks since I set my foot on Malaysian soil once again. Six weeks ago, I had returned to the airport that I took off from 14 months ago in pursuit of the last leg of my journey as an undergraduate. I have since completed my whole undergraduate course, graduated and am now waiting to start my training work. I left with hopes that in that one year abroad, I would have grown as a person, that my experiences would have me leave the country as a boy but return as a man, so to speak.

Honestly speaking, I returned to my home country with a level of enthusiasm markedly lower than when I left it. Perhaps it was because I have already met up with my parents in the UK during my graduation, and so the anticipation to meet them wasn’t as strong as some would expect. Nonetheless I was eager to meet my other family members though. But a more plausible reason was that then, I repeat, then, I was still getting used to the fact that I was no longer the carefree final-year student who, half of the time, used to wonder if he was really studying overseas. In my mind at the time, I was coming home to the realities of the world out there, where I was to be laden with the full responsibilities of an adult- be it financial, familial or even social. In my naivete, I was reluctant to face a life that appeared relentlessly uphill.

As the date of the graduation drew nearer, I found myself thinking a fair sum about this. After a fantastic year of being a student in a faraway land, it seemed undesirable to return home. Maybe it was because of such a comfortable living overseas in a developed country, or maybe it was being away from the nagging of the parents or the frustration from the siblings. How my world had only consisted of doing what I can to graduate with a reasonable standing, and to make the most of my time spent in the UK with my friends.

After a superb time spent around Europe simply holidaying, thinking of spending the rest of my life working endlessly until I retired seemed like such a morbid prospect. It made me question if life only consisted of slogging year after year to pay for bills and loans, only for new bills and loans to pop up? Is there more to this ‘Phase 2′ of our lives? If not, why were we as kids so impatient to grow up?

When I was younger many people kept telling me that their years as students were the best years of their lives, about how they kept wishing they were 18 again. During my last few days as a student (that is, before my graduation), I kept wishing that my friends and I were students for a while longer. A friend of mine even remarked, “Sometimes I wonder why at the beginning we were so eager to be the first ones to graduate”, referring to how we tended to choose the earliest route to graduation when we had left high school. Yet now, at the end of the road we seemed to be asking for ‘extra time’ to be with our friends before we start the real journey of our careers. It was at those last days as a student that I truly appreciated my time spent being one.

After my graduation, I realise how blurry and diverged the path of my career was. I kept asking myself what I wanted out of my life, what my priorities in my life were to be. Even when it came to my career, I was faced with so many options- to work locally or overseas, whether or not to complete my services to the country, which branch of career to decide, professional, business or academic. Again I dreaded the decision making that I had to do when I enter the working world.

During the first couple of weeks back in the country, I took time getting used to life back here; something which, being a Malaysian citizen for 20 years, I never expected would happen. Not unlike how I transitioned from my Malaysian life to my Glaswegian life a year back, I had to gradually return to my Malaysian lifestyle. In my first few days back I missed nearly every aspect of my life back there- the food, the music, the clothes. In retrospect, these aspects might have just subconsciously shrouded what I truly missed, the 1 year of living without the hang-ups of living at home, without the worries of a financially-responsible adult.

Fast forward till today, I have more or less come to terms with the realities of the world I am about to embark on. I accept that I am now part of a real world, and no longer within the comfort zone that was the university- the protective academic bubble that could only prepare us that much for the world out there. I felt that spending time with my other friends who recently entered the working world made me realise that there were others who were in the same boat as me, which was a relief.

Over time, I also realised how much I missed spending time with my family and friends here in KL, although there were aspects about living here that could make me take the next flight to the UK. I now realise it was unfortunately a very individualistic trait of mine to gripe over what I realise were actually insignificant little day-to-day frustrations about living at home. Before returning I used to welcome the idea of living alone, but the age of my parents have begun to show, and a certain nagging feeling of responsibility has become inevitable. I begin to question if, after a year of only thinking about myself, I had forgotten how to become part of a family.

So many events had led to a train of thoughts over this relatively short period of time, that begs the real question- have I really left the country as a boy and returned a man? If I was asked this question 3 weeks ago, I might have answered yes, mistakenly thinking that my 1 year of experiences had really led to my growing up. But now, I think twice, as I realised the level of my immaturity displayed through my unwillingness to take charge of my life when I had just returned home. Or how I am still unsure of what I truly want out of this life, and so cannot map out the path of my future. It seemed like a shame if my parents spent their savings to send me overseas, just to see me return as someone who was more irresponsible and immature than before he left.

Perhaps this is where the true learning curve commences, I guess my first real lessons in life will come as I take on my first job. And when that happens, I pray I won’t still be a kid anymore.

Exams are finally over. Feels like a fcken 100-tonne duvet has been lifted off my chest. Am feeling very uncertain about the outcome of this exam. Am aware of how much impact the results of this exam could have on my future, but it makes no sense worrying over something that is over. What I went through this time around has taught me a lot on the limits of my ability. It has also made me realise how some things are beyond human control, no matter how much we try to take control of our destinies.

Am not very willing to talk about such things, and so would rather share some new music with whoever pops by this lil’ blog. This is Belle and Sebastian, a prominent indie pop band from right here in Glasgow, Scotland. They’ve been around for many years already, and recently played to a sold out crowd during the Triptych Festival about a month ago also in Glasgow.

As an aside, the Triptych Festival is an eclectic music festival in Scotland that features everything from indie upstarts to folk music legends to radio DJ’s to Japanese jazz ensembles. If you are game for less mainstream music unlike those churned by million dollar earning, wardrobe malfunctioning, stylist-advised and audio-engineered artistes; do visit the Triptych Festival website and launch the media player at the bottom of the page for a wide range of music.

I only heard about Belle and Sebastian after our eccentric tour guide to the Scottish Highlands played their songs as an introduction to the country. Lately, I’ve been listening to them over the radio, and found this song pretty catchy. Here it is, one of their new singles, “The Blues are Still Blue”. I hate to say this, but the vocals and beat of this song is pretty reminiscent of Scissor Sisters. But I’d guess it’s just coincidence that an indie pop band would sound like those New York camp-glam fellas.