I am surprised that I am still feeling the way I do right now. I have always thought that I have matured, that I have outgrown this sense of insecurity. But tonight has just proved that I merely went one big circle and now I am back at square one.

I truly detest feeling like this. I never expected this feeling to return after so many years. I find myself realizing over and over again that I am still so naive. Now is one of those moments. I thought that by coming back to KL, my problem would be solved. But my situation in KL now is no different from when I left it 3 years ago, if not even worse. Maybe I can be completely irrational and blame KL and its self centered attitudes as the source of my predicament. I now theorize that people like me can never be happy in a place like KL. But what if moving out of the city/country does not guarantee me the life that I want to live? What would become of me then?

I have to tell myself over and over that there will never be any one event in my life that can change my life totally. No such thing as, “I am finally [rich/looking good/have got a Master’s/migrated/married] now, so life’s gonna be perfect from now on”. Things will not change, because there are some things I cannot change. I cannot change people’s opinions, I can’t make them accept who I am, much less like me for being me.

Maybe the problem lies with me. My attitudes and my decisions in life. If I had a different attitude towards relating with others, would things go differently? If I was brave enough to choose another major, to leave my job, to totally start over, things would have been better? Life seems to be full of “if’s” that we’ll only find out when we are brave enough to do it. Would I be brave enough to take the leap and let go of it all, the financial and job security my current life provides me?

I am already nearing a quarter of a century in this world, and yet I am still such an idealist to accept the harsh truths of this world. And until today I still think that by leaving one place, so would my problems. When will I learn? And more importantly, how?

God,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

This must be my prayer every day until I start to change the things I can. Perhaps until I am brave enough to choose the path I want, I will never find the type friends I have been hoping for. That may be wishful thinking, because for all we know such persons only exist in movies and books. What I do know is that I do not wish to spend my weekend feeling this way ever again.